I really wish I could catch a break.
The most annoying response to anyone I say this to is, “You should be grateful for what you have.”
I am grateful for what I have.
I am incredibly grateful for so many things in my life, but at the same time, I am losing it.
At 33 years of age, yes, I just put my age on blast on the internet, I did not expect to still be struggling like I was at 20. And yes, I have privilege. I’m not discounting that, but my God, will my financial situation ever change? Will I ever feel secure? Will I ever reach that point where I can stop doing the money shuffle?
You know. The money shuffle. That thing you do where you have to keep a log either in your head or in the notes section of your phone about how much money you moved from this account to the other account that you will then have to move back to the this account when some more money hits the other account?
Okay, I’m not struggling like I was at 20. I have a better handle on my financial situation, and I am putting money (a tiny bit) aside in a 401k, finally have a side job that has that as a perk, trying to save for an emergency fund, that I almost completely ran through over the summer, and realizing that I literally had to make different accounts for different goals. Problem being…you guessed it. There just isn’t enough cash to go around.
The situation is not bussin’ it is struggle bussin’.
I can only cut so much. Andrew and I cut a lot of streaming platforms, and we don’t go out to eat like we wish we could.
I only have 4 pairs of jeans. One is developing a hole in the bum, and the other 3 are kinda short. I need a pair or two of nice sophisticated straight leg jeans. And a pair or two of trousers. It would be nice to have an adult wardrobe.
I do not shop recklessly. I’ve had issues with my body since I gained the freshman 15x2 in college. Even now after learning to take care of my body and dropping most of the weight, I still find shopping to be an uncomfortable experience.
I do not identify as a lazy person. I do identify as a burnt out millennial.
I have the weirdest work resume that you could ever imagine. Why? Because I’ve been pursuing the life of an actor, and it asks a lot of you. Now we have self-tapes, so it’s a little bit easier, but before that - shut it. Acting requires you to have the most flexible job you can possibly find, so you can be available at any time. No medical, no dental, no retirement, no security. Please don’t tell me that SAG-AFTRA has health care and pension. I know. At this time, I am not one of the lucky ones who qualify for any of that. About 85% of SAG-AFTRA cannot meet the $26,000 requirement. The tutoring job I have now is the first job I have ever had that offers a 401k.
I’ve never been given health or dental insurance through any of my jobs. I am grateful to Covered CA, and if you have any questions about plans, please ask. I’ve tried a lot of them. I know the shittiest and I know the better.
I’m jut gonna end this now because I’m just complaining like a little bitch and feeling defeated, lost, and overwhelmed. Maybe I’m addicted to complaining. Maybe my complaining is an indicator.
I wish the anxiety and resentment would go away. Maybe my anger is a distress signal telling me that I have to make even more changes. Okay, it is.
I wish the AMPTP would go back to the negotiating table with the WGA and SAG-AFTRA. It would be nice to have some actual opportunities come my way again. It would be nice to feel like I’m not just spinning my wheels in one place. Doing my day job day after day after day with no hope for change in sight. Because, it has come to my attention, that this job is really defeating me now. It’s no longer something that fulfills me or that earns me enough money to survive on.
Maybe it’s the hope that’s fading for me. After the Writer’s Strike in 2008, Covid, and now a second Writer’s Strike and the SAG-AFTRA Strike. I can’t seem to get out of this feeling of being stuck in the mud.
August 2023 marked the start of my 16th year in Los Angeles. At the end of this year, I will have lived in LA as long as I lived growing up in Harlingen, Texas. Cumulatively, I’m going to guess that I did more performing in Texas than I’ve had the opportunity to do in LA. I’m not counting auditions or classes. I’m talking actual plays or opportunities to be on set.
I want the creativity to come back. I want to get out of this cycle of being present and prioritizing my day job and being too exhausted to get any of my own writing etc. done.
I went back and asked baby Sam what made her happy. She said reading, dance class, and writing/performing plays in her living room.
I rewatched Center Stage on Hulu - the free version. I sat through the ads. It holds up. I still cried and wished I was in NYC dancing.
I want to be flourishing instead of treading water.
I want to find my artist self again.
I guess I’m sharing all of this to see if maybe anyone else is feeling the same way with all of the uncertainty in our industry right now. And if anyone else has a suggestion for remote or hybrid work for a very creative English major with an eclectic resume, please comment below or reach out.
I don’t want to go down another rabbit hole of watching Star Wars and relating the most to Anakin Skywalker. I hope things change before I go to the Dark Side and start Force Choking people.
